Hallelujah
by poliwonk
Summary: This Chapter: Derek speaks with Thatcher, Addison thinks about her future, and Richard contemplates the past.
1. Cold and Broken Hallellujah

Cold and Broken Hallelujah

"_Meredith?" Finn called after her _

_She turned knowing that he was the smart choice, the safe choice. Finn was kind, and good, and he had plans._

"_Meredith?" But Derek eyes and his voice pleaded with her, for time, for understanding, for another chance _

_Glancing back over at Derek, Meredith could almost feel herself move towards him, when George walked up to her._

"_Meredith, Izzie needs you." He looked at both Finn and Derek observing the wordless battle between the two men._

"_Yeah." _

_She turned back towards Finn._

"_I'm so sorry Finn."_

"_I'll walk you to the car."_

"_Thank you for understanding." Walking out with George and Finn she couldn't help but glace back and saw pain etched on Derek's face begging her not to go with Finn. She reminded herself that Derek was married, that despite what they had done tonight he still had a wife. So she moved quickly out the doors feeling tears beginning to sting her eyes. He had wanted to know what it meant, but it wasn't for her to say. He needed to decide what he wanted. Whether it was enough for him to be the good guy or whether he wanted a life with her._


	2. Love is not a victory March

**

* * *

A/N: The first chapter was more of a prologue- thus very short; this is really where things are picking-up.**

Love is not a Victory March

Derek watched as Meredith walked out the door with Finn's arm on the small of her back, guiding her away from him. He felt as though he'd been kicked in the gut and the feeling intensified into nausea as he saw her glance back at him before she left. In that moment he hoped that he could will her to not leave with the vet. It had taken him months and seeing her with Finn tonight and the death of their dog to realize he could never get over her but there she was leaving with someone other than him. But she continued out the door and he could almost feel his heart breaking. His reverie was broken by the soft touch of hand on his shoulder.

_Addison _

"Hey. Are you ready to go?" she asked quietly.

Suddenly the full weight of the night hit him like a truck. _Oh God! What the hell have I done._ He could feel the bile rising in his through. Addison looked at him with concern.

"You all right?"

All he could manage was a nod, afraid that if he opened his mouth he would throw-up.

"Do you want me to drive?"

"No, I'm fine." He said huskily, managing to choke down the vomit and sputter out a few words. He grabbed his keys from his pocket and began to walk towards the door, Addison trailing him with a vague sense of dread playing in her mind.

The ride home was silent, and Derek was thankful. He could take the time to wrap his head around what had happened- what _was_ happening.

"_You are an honorable man Derek."_

The Chief's words mocked him. He had wanted to be a better guy, so he had done what good guys do, he went back to his wife to try and work on his marriage. But he was only beginning to realize how much he hurt everyone around him. He was the opposite of King Midas, everything he touched turned to shit. He had punished his wife with silence and ambivalence beyond anything reasonable for her crime. He had hurt Meredith with flirtations. The world was spinning out of control and he needed to do something to put it back in order. He finally knew what it was.

* * *

The group of friends walked slowly and silently towards Meredith's truck, an odd assemblage of courtiers for a fallen queen.

When they reached the truck, Alex opened the front passenger door for Izzie and let her slip inside briefly squeezing her hand in gesture of sympathy before climbing into the back with George and Callie. But before Meredith could get into the driver's seat Finn placed his hand on her arm and she turned to face him.

"A lot happened tonight" he said "and when you're ready to talk about it I'll be here."

Looking into his eyes Meredith could tell- he knew. Maybe not exactly, but she could see that he knew something had happened between her and Derek.

"Ok" she concentrated her eyes on the ground until he placed his hand on her cheek and stroked it softly. He was a good man. And this made it all hurt like hell. She gave him a soft kiss on the cheek and climbed into the seat.

"Goodnight"

"Goodnight, Meredith"

With that she closed the door and turned the ignition, pulling the car out of the lot she could see Finn watching them pull away through her rear-view mirror. For the second time in the evening her eyes began to sting.

The ride was eerily quiet as everyone was too wrapped in themselves to speak to each other. George in his confusion over his feelings for Callie, Callie in her pain over George's confusion, Alex in his desire to help Izzie, and Izzie….

Izzie was in shock. She sat in the front passenger seat and stared blankly ahead. Her make-up had dried showing the traces of tears on her cheeks, but she had no more tears for now.

They pulled into the driveway and everyone slowly poured out of the truck and walked towards the house. Once inside Izzie stood rooted at the front door not walking any further.

"Izzie?" Meredith looked back at her from the foot of the stairs "Do you need anything?"

Izzie stood there rooted to the spot.

"Izzie?" Alex placed his hand on her shoulder.

"I killed him. It's my fault. I wouldn't listen to anyone and I killed him." She crumpled

to the ground too exhausted with her grief to move, to cry, to think.

"Alex-"

"Yeah"

Alex scooped Izzie up in his arms and she began to silently sob but allowed him to carry her up the stairs. George and Izzie followed them. But Meredith could bring herself to go upstairs yet. She sat down on the sofa alone with her thoughts. She had done a terrible thing tonight, worse than all the one-night-stands, worse than sleeping with George. She really was a dirty mistress now. In the moment it had been beautiful and right, but now she had time to think about it. The smell of his cologne was faint on her dress and she could still fell him. But no matter how wonderful it had been people were going to be hurt, Addison, whom she respected and Finn. Finn who had plans. The only thing she could think was that she was a walking disaster. She needed to make a decision and stick with it, knitting wouldn't help this time.


	3. You Don't Really Care For Music

You Don't Really Care for Music, Do You?

They entered the trailer with as few words as they had exchanged on their drive home. Addison walked over and sat on the bed removing her jewelry. Derek stood at the front of trailer and ran his hands through his hair thinking about how exactly he was going to say what he needed to.

Finally he gathered the courage to speak.

"Addison, we need to talk."

"Ok" She sat up straight and looked at him, dreading what was coming next.

"I can't do this anymore." He took a breath and looked up to see Addison's shaken expression. "We keep saying that we're trying, but I haven't been honest, and I haven't been trying. We've both changed too much to go back to the way things were. I don't want to keep pretending that things are alright when they aren't and I don't want to hurt you anymore. Addison, I can't love you the way you need to be loved, the way you should be loved. Too much has happened."

Addison sat there quietly for a moment.

"Addison?"

"There was no patient you had to look in on tonight, was there?"

"What?" She knew.

"You were with her, tonight. You left me and you went to be with her." She stood up and swiped at her eyes and pulled a piece of hair behind her ear. "I am such an idiot."

Derek walked towards her.

"Addison, I am so-" She slapped his hand away and glared at him.

"Are you happy now Derek!" She shouted "Are we finally even, is this what you wanted, well congratulation, you win."

With that she grabbed her keys and ran out of the trailer to her car and sped off. Derek flopped down on the bed letting out the breath he didn't know he had been holding in since Addison had first arrived in Seattle and he had broken up with Meredith to try to make things work again. This hurt like hell, but it had to be done. He had finally ripped the band-aid off the wound that they had both been fighting like hell to cover-up with denial and small talk. The wound was raw and angry and finally exposed- but it could now begin to heal after years of festering.

* * *

Christina Yang didn't accept weakness. As she had told the Chief earlier, she had an edge. When she was little she had watched "The Philadelphia Story" with Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn. Even now there was one line she still remembered and always liked to think that it applied to her.

_Strength is her religion, Mr. Kittredge_

Strength had been her religion, and it had served her well. She had earned a B.A from Smith and a PhD/MD from Stanford. But her religion hadn't prepared her for this. It hadn't prepared her for seeing her a friend distraught with grief or her boyfriend, a man she could honestly now say she loved, near death and with a possible career ending injury. She understood what if felt like now to be weak and realized that she and Burke needed each other more than ever. Burke was weak now too, and he needed her to be strong, to be there for him.

"Burke?"

"Hm?" His voice was groggy from the pain killers they had given him.

"I love you." There it was. She had said it to him before, but only when he was asleep and she was sure he couldn't hear her.

He looked at her slightly confused. This wasn't at all like Christina. But his mouth formed a smile.

"I love you too."

She leaned over and kissed him, a deeply felt kiss. Sitting back in the chair next to the bed she watched as he drifted into sleep. So much had changed since she had come here to Seattle Grace. Before coming here she could take people or leave them. She had "friends" before, but they were mainly study groups she had hung out with. She had also had the occasional boyfriend, even a girlfriend once. But those were less for companionship and more for the sake of having someone to screw. Now though, she had a family; a group of people who needed her and who she knew like it or not, she needed in equal measure. And Burke was more than just a casual fling. He was her hero, her mentor, and quite possibly the love of her life. She needed him to be ok, for both of them.


	4. The Baffled King Composed Hallelujah

The Baffled King Composed Hallelujah

Richard Webber sat fidgeting with the papers on his desk. Everyone, including Adele, had left an hour ago, but he couldn't bring himself to go home yet. His secret, the one no one was supposed to know about was, was not a secret at all. Adele had known these twenty-five years. The pain she must have felt. She had stayed with him through it all. His affair, his alcoholism, Adele had been a pillar of strength. Yet for all of that he had stayed married to her more out of familiarity and obligation than real feelings of love. There was respect and affection, but more of the type shared by life long friends than lovers. He had loved her once, years ago. But that love had faded when he met a beautiful, whip smart, surgical intern named Ellis Grey.

He and Ellis shared a bond. Of their group of residents they were they only two who weren't white men. She understood him in a way that Adele couldn't. It had begun as two surgeon's going out for drinks after a long day and those drinks led to kisses, and eventually to trysts in the on-call room. Neither of them thought about their spouses or their families, in those moments it was just the two of them.

But they did have families. He thought back to the day Ellis had confronted him.

_He tied the strings of his scrubs as Ellis sat on the bed smiling up at him. He leaned down and kissed her passionately. As he turned to walk out the door Ellis called after him._

"_I've left Thatcher, Richard."_

_He spun around to face her._

"_What?"_

"_I've left him. I can't pretend anymore. If you leave Adele we can be together, we can be a family- You, me, Meredith."_

"_Ellis, I- I can't just leave Adele"_

"_Why not!" She snapped. "You don't love her._

"_She's my wife."_

"_And Thatcher's my husband, but here we are, in the on-call room as usual. Richard I love you! I have the courage to take this leap because I love you, so I'm asking you Richard to catch me. "_

_He turned to the door and glancing back he spoke quietly._

"_I'm sorry Ellis I can't."_

"_Then we're done."_

_He walked out the door._

Two weeks after that meeting Ellis left to go pursue her career in Boston and Richard drowned his sorrows and cursed his cowardice in liquor, the only thing that seemed to allow him to forget Ellis or the future they could have had together. It wasn't an option. He had a wife and responsibilities.

Seeing Ellis in the nursing home on his weekly visits he was reminded of what they had together. But today speaking with Meredith and hearing Adele tell him that she had known about his infidelity he realized that trying to do the right thing had only led to a lifetime of pain, not just for Ellis and his wife, but for the child whose family was torn apart by his actions.

Richard was tired and what he really wanted right now, more than anything, was a drink.

**A/N: I made this short, but I really wanted to get into Webber's thought. Right now I'm actually considering writing an AU fic about what Meredith's life would have been like had Richard left Adele and married Ellis. Let me know what you all think. Oh and thanks so much for the reviews, please keep feeding them.**


	5. Remember When I Moved in You?

Remember When I Moved in You?

The alarm went off at 6:30 and he rolled over to turn it off. Derek was, for the first time since he had taken Addison back, alone in his trailer. He let out a sigh as he climbed out of bed. The tuxedo had been tossed on the floor last night without much thought. He had been too exhausted to think much about putting it away. The pants were in a pile on the floor and the jacket was crumpled on the counter. Grabbing the jacket he saw something black and lacey in one of the pockets. It only took him a split-second to remember what it was.

"_Have you seen my panties?"_

"_What?"_

"_My black panties."_

After she had hurried off to be with Izzie he had scoured the room afraid that someone else might find them and figure out what had happened. Finding them in the corner of the room he had shoved the panties into his jacket pocket, with a plan to slip them to her in the lobby.

Looking at them now brought memories of the evening back. He could feel her skin and smell her hair. For those few moments he had been happy, happy in a way he hadn't been since he'd left her. He needed a cold shower now.

* * *

Addison Shep- Addison _Montgomery_ she told herself now- hadn't slept well last night. After driving off in anger from her husband- no her _ex_-husband's trailer- she realized she hadn't brought any clothes and she was too humiliated to go back and get them while he was still there. So she ducked into a drug store and bought a cheesy "I love Seattle" x-large t-shirt and an extra pair of underwear. After that she found a room in a hotel neaby.

She sat on the bed that night for almost an hour with her cellphone in her hand. Part of her wanted to call him- she needed to hear his voice. The other part of her knew that he would take it the wrong way. He would want to fly out to Seattle immediately and sweep her off her feet, and as much as she cared for him, she wasn't ready to be romanced again- at least not just yet. If she called him now it would be more out of revenge and anger than any real desire to see him, and she wanted to see him.

She had fallen in love with Mark. Maybe because the teenage band-geek inside still craved attention and when Derek had thrown himself in work and they had become less like married people and more like two strangers occupying the same place, the attention Mark had lavished on her made her feel like a woman again. She hadn't meant for it to become physical either, but feelings got mixed up and one night after a long day at work she had gone to his apartment and things just happened, and continued happening for a month before Derek had caught them.

At first she hadn't even felt guilty, just angry. He deserved it she argued to herself. That's what he gets for ignoring me! But the months had passed and even Mark's presence couldn't make her forget that she had broken her vows and hurt someone she used love very deeply. So when the Chief called her for a consult she packed up her bags, buried her pride, and decided to try and make amends.

But what had she gotten for her trouble? A husband who punished her with apathy and openly mooned after an intern- even after he had "chosen" her. Well no more! Meredith could have him. She was done fighting for something that had died a long time ago.

The next morning as she pulled into the park in front of the trailer she checked to see that he had already gone in and she could grab her things. Not seeing his car or any lights on inside, she grabbed her keys, took a deep breath and opened the door.

The bed was unmade and there were a pair of pants on the floor and his tuxedo jacket was hanging on the door to the closet. She noticed something peeking out of the pocket, something black and lacey, panties, and these particular panties were most definitely _not_ hers. She felt a rage build up in her that she hadn't felt before.

_That sanctimonious S.O.B.!_

He had punished her for her infidelity and then went off and had an affair of his own. Of course she could see it in his eyes last night, but somehow having the confirmation right before her made her even angrier. She put the panties in the pocket of her coat, and grabbing a bag emptied as much of her things as she could.


	6. It's Not a Cry you Can Hear at Night

Disclaimer: I'm not Shonda Rhimes. These characters are her's I just like to play with them. Please don't sue me.

  
It's Not a Cry You can Hear at Night

When Alex awoke it took him a bit to figure out where he was. Suddenly he remembered last night. He had taken a sobbing Izzie upstairs to her room and after helping her into some pajamas, possibly the first time he had taken off a woman's clothing without planning on having sex with, he helped her into bed. Settling into the rocker next to the bed he had fallen asleep watching her body shake with quiet sobs.

He knew he had messed things up. Sleeping with Olivia, mocking Denny, none of it had endeared him to Izzie. She probably hated him, but he couldn't stop loving her. There was something about her, maybe it was her smile, that made everything sparkle with warmth and a certain glow. After they'd had sex during the bomb incident, he had assumed that his affair with Olivia was forgiven, but he had been wrong. He realized very quickly after Denny came back to the hospital that Izzie only wanted sex. Normally he wouldn't have minded, normally he would have been over the moon about a "sex only" relationship. But Izzie was different.

Looking now at her sleeping figure he had nothing but regret.

"Denny?" Izzie's voiced quavered and her eyes fluttered open.

Alex got up from the chair and sat next to her on the bed, placing is hand on her back.

"He's not here Iz, I'm sorry."

She burst into tears again, and all he could do was hold her till she fell back asleep. There was a quiet rap on the door, and Alex answered, not wanting to wake Izzie up.

"Hey, how is she?" Meredith peered over his shoulder at the sleeping Izzie.

"No, but she will be eventually. She's strong."

"Are you going in today, rounds start in a half-hour?"

"I think I'm going to stay here with her, if you don't mind. I've got some time off to spare. Do you think you could tell Bailey I'm sick."

"Sure- not that she'll believe it, but I think she'll understand."

"Thanks." He looked at Meredith and noticed she looked like she hadn't slept well. "Hey you all right? I'm doing the whole, sholder to cry on thing, so you might as well tell me."

"I-I'm fine"

"Really? 'Cause you haven't looked this guilty since you slept with Bambi. You didn't sleep with George again did you?"

"No! No, I didn't have sex with George." She hissed.

"Oh, but you did have sex. So McVet got lucky then?" But the look on Meredith's face told a completely different story. "Wait- oh my- you did Dr. Shepherd!" He almost couldn't keep from laughing- seriously the girl was predictable, he was actually a little proud. At least she had gone after the person she loved.

"You can't say anything- not anything- to anyone!"

"Hey, sure it's none of my business if you want to play dirty mistress- so when did this happen?"

"During the prom"

"You're kidding- seriously, your reliving my high school years, except I never did it with anyone married."

Meredith rolled her eyes, and looked over at Izzie.

"Take care of her."

"I will."

Meredith began walking down the stairs and he called after her.

"Hey, Meredith."

"What?"

"Tell him you love him. I never told Izzie how I felt, and I don't know if I'll ever have a chance with her again. So tell him you love him. Besides it'll piss off the gyno-wench."

Meredith smiled sadly and continued out the door.

* * *

Addison walked into his office and slammed the door behind her.

"What the hell!"

"You asshole!" She flung the panties at him. "You screwed her last night!"

"Excuse me!"

"Don't lie to me Derek, you slept with her last night!"

Derek knew that it was now or never. If he wanted to end it, if he wanted to move on and get Meredith back in his life he had to be honest.

"Yes."

"You bastard!" She dashed at him trying to hit him, but he grabbed her wrist.

"Addison! Addison. Calm down." She wriggled out of his grasp and backed off.

"Don't tell me to calm down you asshole. You put me through hell the past few months because of Mark and you went off and banged your mistress!"

"Addison, I'm sorry."

"The hell you are. Are we even now Derek, huh? Are we even? Have you hurt me enough?"

"Believe it or not Addison I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. What happened last night between Meredith and I wasn't planned. It just happened. I'm sorry I put you through so much. I really believed that we could work through everything, that I would forget about Meredith, but I can't Addison. We've just changed too much, we're not the same people anymore. We barely know how to talk to each other."

"We could go someplace else; we could try to learn how again?" She pleaded. She didn't know why only that she needed to believe that there was something worth saving.

"Addison, we were over before Mark, before Meredith. We could move any number of places and all our problems would still be the same. Too much has happened."

She hung her head and nodded. He was right. It wasn't about Mark and it wasn't about Meredith. They had changed they were broken beyond repair.

"I'll dig up the papers for you to sign" she said in a husky voice.

"Ok"

She began to walk towards the door and he called after her-

"Addison, I'm sorry."

"So am I Derek, so am I." She walked out the door, taking a deep breath she walked down the hall only to bump into a most unwelcome person.

**A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks for all the great reviews- I love it. As for Mer/Der I know you want it- I want it too- but it's going to take some time he's got a lot of ground to make up with her. As for the unwelcome person- send your guesses my way. Oh, if you haven't guessed the chapters are drawn from the fabulous song "Hallelujah". I prefer the Rufus Wainwright version.**


	7. It's Not Somebody Whose Seen the Light

Chapter 7: It's Not Somebody Whose Seen the Light

Meredith Grey stood outside the doors to Seattle Grace knowing exactly what awaited her inside. Gossip. The way gossip traveled around the hospital she was sure that everyone already knew about what had happened between her and Derek last night.

"Meredith, are you coming?" George and Callie looked back at her.

"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute, just go ahead without me."

"Ok" George took Callie's hand and walked inside.

Standing outside Meredith looked up at the suddenly imposing building and thought about whether she should be better off faking sick and staying home. The constant gossip had hurt when she and Derek and first gotten together, and even more so when he had chosen to go back to Addison, but both times she had pulled herself together as much as possible and gone through these doors to face the music. This time however, she wasn't sure she could.

"Meredith?" She turned around to see Christina walking up to her.

"I thought you'd be with Burke?"

"I was but Bailey threw me out around 3 this morning told me to go home and get some sleep. Come on, we've got rounds."

"I can't."

"What?"

"I can't go in. I just can't"

"Why the hell not- what hell went on last night!"

"I slept with Derek."

"You're kidding. When, why?"

"He was looking at me, and I left the dance to get away from him, but he followed me to this exam room. We fought, then he kissed me, and then we had sex- really, mind-blowing good sex."

"You really like to make your life complicated, don't you."

"Christina!"

"Look I'm sorry, I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm worried about Burke- can you believe that I really am loosing my edge. Look, think of this like ripping off a band-aid the quicker you get in and get it over with the less it will hurt."

"Thanks. So how's Burke doing?"

"Not great. He's having trouble with shaking in his hand, and he's worried that he won't be able to get back on top of his game."

"He's Burke, he'll get through it."

"I know that, but try telling him. Geez, would you listen to us, we're a bunch of saps now. Let's just get in there."

Walking in Meredith could feel the eyes on her and wanted to shrink out of sight.

"I'm going to go see Burke."

"Okay" She wanted to yell at Christina not to leave her on her own to face everyone, but instead she took a deep breath and walked into the locker room. She quietly slipped over to her locker before anyone could see her.

"You know what I heard"

"What!"

"I heard they've been going at it in the on-call room for months."

"Oh that's old news! You know what I've heard? I heard she's pregnant and leaving the program."

That was it! Meredith was no longer nervous, now she was pissed. She slammed her locker closed and walked over to the three gossiping interns.

"Alright you know what, you all need to get a life! What happens in my life- it's none of your business. But for your information, no I am not pregnant or leaving the program. And it would be great if you just all shut your mouths and stop talking about things you have no clue about."

They sat there and stared at her for a moment. Then very quickly got up and left the locker room leaving Meredith alone.

Addison closed the door behind her from Derek's office and took a deep breath. She was surprised, as broken as she thought she would feel, what she really felt was relief and a sense of absolution. That was, of course, until she ran into someone she really didn't need to see right now.

"What the hell are you doing here!"

Mark's rakish grin played upon his face as he walked up to her.

"And here I was thinking you'd be the one person in this hospital who was happy to see me. Don't tell me you and Derek are still playing at happy couple."

"Mark I'm really not ready to talk about this- particularly not with you." She began to walk past him when he grabbed her arm.

"What happened?" The smile had dropped from his face and he looked deeply into her eyes.

"He- I- We just ended it." She pushed her hair behind her ears and swiped at her eyes. Everything she had been holding in the past few months finally poured out of her. She didn't care any more why he was here. He was here, and he loved her. "You were right he doesn't love me any more, he loves Meredith. I'm such an idiot. I knew things were over but I stuck around. I guess I felt like I deserved the punishment, or- I don't know- I thought the way we used to feel about each other would still be there, but it isn't. He doesn't love me, and maybe, I don't really love him anymore." The tears were falling from her eyes and she couldn't stop them.

"Tissue?"

"Thanks" She wiped her eyes and blew her nose. "You never told me what you were doing here anyway."

"I'm here for a special consult. There's a baby with a harelip and cleft palet the parents want to get rid of it."

"So you'll be leaving eventually."

"Actually, the chief wants to expand the plastics offering here so he's asked me if I'd consider moving to Seattle.

"You're joking." This was not good. Mark moving here would make things that much more uncomfortable for her. What she really needed right now was time to heal, not Mark dogging her footsteps.

"Nope, I'm here, for good. It'll be just like old times, well almost, seeing as my best-friend still hates my guts. Speaking of the devil-"

Derek was walking down the hall and looked up from his chart to see Mark standing with Addison. He glared in their direction, not wanting to cause another scene by punching the guy again, turned and headed in the opposite direction hoping to get some sort of explanation from the Chief.


	8. Your Faith Was Strong

Hallelujah 8

Your Faith was Strong, But You Needed Proof

Derek stormed into the Chief's office. What the hell was Richard thinking inviting Mark Sloane here? Just as he was beginning to get things straightened out and getting past New York and the mess he had made of things the past few months Mark had to show up. Truth be told in the end he was really angrier at Mark than Addison for the affair. Maybe because he and Addison's marriage had been over for years, emotionally though not in reality, but Mark had been his best friend, he was supposed to be able to rely on him. But Mark had betrayed him

Before he could open his mouth and let out the litany of angry complaints, Richard stopped him.

"Derek before you say anything, this wasn't about you or Addison, it was about business. This hospital needs a plastic surgeon, and he's got a stellar reputation."

"I know all about his reputation." Derek spat out.

"You are a professional Derek, I know you can find a way to work along side him."

Derek hung his head. Richard had hit bellow the belt with that comment, playing on his professionalism. He couldn't disappoint him.

"Yeah. It's just with the way things are with Addison right now-" He let out a audible sigh.

"I know you two are trying to work things out, and I hope this won't-"

"We're getting a divorce. Addison and I. We decided this morning to get a divorce."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's for the best. We realized how much we were hurting each other by trying to keep something alive that was dead a long time ago."

Richard seemed to nod in understanding. Derek realized, based on last night's conversation, that Richard probably would understand.

"I'll try to keep the two of you out of each others way as much as possible."

"Thanks" Derek opened the door to the Chiefs office to leave.

"I'm sorry about Addison, Derek. I'm just glad you weren't stupid enough to make the same mistake I made." Derek hung his head and nodded silently in appreciation of the Chief's sympathetic words.

* * *

Dr. Bailey walked into the locker-room to give the assignments to her interns.

"Alright everyone. No Stevens?" The three of them looked determinedly at their feet. "And what about Karev?"

"He wasn't feeling well" Meredith offered.

"Uh-huh." Bailey looked as though she didn't believe it but she didn't question them, she seemed to understand. "Alright, then. Yang you're with me today. O'Malley your with Dr. Hahn in 1170. Meredith you're with Dr. Shepherd in 2890- and before you say anything, I don't care what's going on between the two of you, you're a doctor. Now get going you've all got patients to see now so scoot."

Meredith walked into the room to see Derek already there with the patient. Her heart skipped a beat, it was the first time she had seen him since she'd left with Finn last night. She remembered the look on his face, it was the same look she'd had when Addison arrived in Seattle: scared, confused, and hurt.

"Dr. Shepherd"

"Dr. Grey. So what do we have here?"

"Aida Roberts, 50 years old, admitted with occasional numbness to the limbs and blurred vision."

"Possible diagnosis?"

"Multiple Sclerosis is most likely, but an MRI is needed to know for sure."

"Alright. Mrs. Roberts, Dr. Grey is going to go ahead and order a MRI for you and we'll be able figure out what's going on. Dr. Grey can I speak with you outside?"

Before she could say no, Derek had placed his hand on the small of her back and was maneuvering her out the room.

"We need to talk about last night."

"No, we don't."

"Yes, we do. I need to know what it means."

Not bothering to keep her voice down, Meredith glared at Derek.

"You need to know what it means! You're the one whose married Derek!"

"I'm not married any more." His voice was husky.

"What?" Meredith's head was spinning. The ground seemed to shift beneath her. In a few words a future with her McDreamy suddenly seemed possible.

"Addison and I spoke this morning I told her I couldn't pretend any more and that I wanted out."

It seemed too good to be true. Meredith was on the verge of allowing herself to believe it all, but she suddenly remembered that she had heard it before, just after Addison arrived. He had said he was going to sign the papers but he never did. Instead he went back to his wife and broke her heart.

"I don't believe you." She turned on her heels and dashed down the hall head-long into Mark Sloane. Suddenly she understood- this was about revenge. If he was telling the truth and Addison had left him, it was for Mark and now he wanted Meredith to be his revenge on her.

**A/N: So, digging a bit deaper here huh? Remember our first impressions aren't always correct.**


	9. You Needed Proof

Hallelujah

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, that would be Shonda Rhimes who is a whole lot cooler than I am- love her, love her shoes. So please don't sue me. I just want to play with them (particularly Dr. McDreamy)

Chapter 9: You Needed Proof

On her way to check in with a patient, Christina snuck into Burke's room to check in on him. It was hard for her to believe, but she had a need to see him, to hear his voice and know that he was going to be ok. He was Burke, he had to be ok.

Opening the door she saw him reading.

"Hey." She said quietly as she approached him. "How are you doing?"

He smiled weakly.

"Can you move your hand?"

"A little, but it still shakes a lot. I don't know what I'm going to do Christina. Being a surgeon is my life. I can't see myself doing anything."

"We'll get through this." She didn't know why she was saying it; maybe it was to comfort herself as much as him. This was all new to Christina. She had never been good at sympathy or showing emotion, but Burke needed her and she couldn't let him down.

Just then Bailey walked into the room.

"Christina? I need you to do a post-op in 2011."

"Alright." Christina kissed Burke quickly on the forehead and walked out of the room.

Burke tried to clench his fist only to find he couldn't control the shaking. The anger welled up inside him and he slammed other hand into table by the bed. He felt helpless and frightened. Everything that he had been was teetering on the edge. Could he ever be the man he was before? If he wasn't a surgeon would he still be Preston Burke? Would Christina still love him?

* * *

Meredith dashed down the hall to the and into the first place she dashed into the first open room she could find. A room that just happened to be the same one she and Derek had made love in the night before. Meredith looked around the room and tried to understand what her life had become. She was a dirty-mistress. She had knowingly slept with a married man. And he had the nerve to ask her what it meant. Before she had time to think much more, the door to the room opened and Derek walked in.

"Meredith?"

"Stay away from me!" She yelled at the top of her lungs hoping someone would come and she wouldn't have to be alone with him- she wouldn't have to test her willpower any more.

"I just want to talk to you."

"No, we don't need to talk. The last time we talked in this room things happened. People got hurt because of what happened."

"I know that but Meredith, I love you."

"You what?" She was incredulous. "You love me? You left me Derek! You chose your wife, you called me whore, and now you're telling me that you love me!"

"I screwed up Meredith. I thought I could forget about you, but I can't. No matter how hard I try I can't get the smell of lilac out of my head. I can't forget about you Meredith. I wanted to fix things with Addison, but I didn't know I would fall in love with you."

Her head was spinning and she couldn't breath. He was looking at her with that look, "their" look.

"Why are you saying this to me now? Is it because Mark's here? Am I your revenge against Addison?"

"No! Meredith, it's not like that!"

"Oh, that's right. I forgot I was a breath of air. Right before you chose to go back to Addison" She spat the words out.

"I'm so sorry Meredith. I hurt you and I hurt Addison. Please let me try and make things right again."

"You know how you can make things right, by leaving me alone. Ok! Just leave me the hell alone!" She stopped out of the room and slammed the door leaving Derek by himself to contemplate the mess he'd made of all the lives around him.

He didn't blame her for hating him, everything she had said was right. She had put her heart on the line for him and he had let her down. He understood now just how monumental of a mistake it had been staying with Addison, for everyone. She needed time, but he also knew that he needed her. Somehow he would have to maker her believe him again, believe in them again. Steadying himself on the bed he took a deep breath and left the room.

* * *

Mark saw Derek talking to Meredith in the hall; saw the look on her face when she caught sight of him. Derek had shot him a glare before running down the hall after her. Mark couldn't believe it. The ink on his divorce wasn't even dry, hell the papers hadn't even been signed yet, and Derek was trying to woo his intern. Of course, he was trying to do the same thing with Addison, so maybe he couldn't blame Derek. When love was at stake, decorum could take a back seat.

Even though he didn't like to admit it, Mark missed his friend. Derek and he had known each other since undergrad at Harvard, and had ended up at the same medical school. It was the first year of med school when they had met Addison. Actually Derek had seen her first.

"_Hey, Mark. You see the red head over there?" Derek nodded down towards the end of the bar and an exquisite looking woman. _

"_Damn, she's something else."_

"_I'm going to go ask her out."_

"_Bet you $10 she turns you down flat."_

"_You're on."_

Of course Mark had lost the $10 to Derek that night, and his heart over the years to Addison. He couldn't help it. They spent so much time together, the three of them, and he was bewitched not just by her beauty but her wit and vivacity. The day Derek and Addison got married he had stood as best man and it nearly killed him. He wanted to yell, to scream out objections to tell her how much he loved her, but she was his best-friend's wife now. The more time they spent together the more in love he became until it was nearly unbearable.

He watched as Derek and Addison's marriage began to fall apart, he heard her desperation when she would talk to him about how alone she felt and how much time Derek spent at the hospital. He'd heard Derek moan about how Addison had changed and become obsessed with dull parties and evenings with the fashionable set. He began spending time with them in pairs, it was either him and Derek or him and Addison, rarely was it the "Three Musketeers" any more. He valued hist time with both his friends, but with Addison it was very different. It had started as a kiss on the cheek that went too far one night. The next time it was a deliberate kiss. Then finally the kiss became sex and the sex became an affair. They began purposely scheduling themselves so that they could be home when Derek was at the hospital.

When Derek had caught them in the act, there had been a mix of shame and relief; shame in realizing what he had done to his friend and relief that his feelings were no longer a secret. Addison had stayed with him, angry that Derek had run off. She stayed for three months, and it was the most wonderful 3 months of his life. This wonderful, intelligent, beautiful woman was his. And then she left, leaving a note on the kitchen counter for him.

_Mark,_

_I'm sorry. I need to fix things with Derek, I can't do this any more. Please forgive me. I'll always love you._

_Addison_

He let her go, hoping that after she had gone out there, realized that Derek wasn't coming back and didn't love her, she would divorce him and come back. But she had stayed. He had hoped that by going out there he could persuade her of how much he cared, remind her of what she left behind. But all he came away with was black eye and stitches from the punch Derek had thrown. He knew why she left really. She had told him on the phone when he called to find out if she was ok, about Derek's intern Meredith. Addison was nothing if not a creature of pride. Her pride was hurt more than anything by the existence of Meredith, so she had gone to try and win her husband back.

The moment he had stepped into the hospital and began flirting with the intern matching Addison's description, only to meet with Derek's fist, he knew that their marriage was over whether either of them had wanted to admit it or not. But now it was official they had given up the pretense and were getting a divorce. If only Addison had would come back to him. This would take patience, this would take charm. Luckily he was blessed with inordinate amounts of both.

**A/N: I'm really enjoying writing this. I hope you're enjoying reading it as well. Next chapter will be some George and Callie.**


	10. From Your Lips She Drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Disclaimer: These characters- not mine. They belong to Shonda Rimes, who kindly doesn't mind if we borrow them for our own nefarious purposes.

Chapter 10: From Your Lips She Drew the Hallelujah

Meredith couldn't sleep that night. Her mind kept going over the day. Hearing Derek say that it was over between him and Addison, seeing Mark Sloane return to Seattle. It was too much. Deep down she knew that her life, compared to many others in the world, was quite good. She had a roof over her head, food to eat, a job she loved, friends who cared about her, and a guy who had plans. So why couldn't she be happy. Why did she keep allowing herself to get caught up in this drama with Derek? The answer she realized was quite simple: she loved him. Beyond anything rational or sane, she loved him and it hurt because she didn't know if she could ever trust him again.

Eventually, her alarm rung and she dragged herself out of bed. Washed-up and prepared to begin anther day. Walking into the kitchen she saw Alex sitting at the table with a cup of coffee.

"Hey." She grabbed some from the pot for herself.

"Hey."

"Are you coming in today?"

"Yeah, I don't want the Nazi ridding me any more than usual. How was yesterday?"

"Addison found out about the prom."

"You're kidding" Meredith shook her head and focused on her coffee. "Wow and she didn't try and kick your ass or anything?"

"No, actually we just kind of avoided each other."

"I suppose that's a good thing."

"Yeah."

"Well, I'm going to go check on Izzie real quick."

"Alright."

When Alex left, Meredith continued to sip her coffee. She thought of Derek and everything he had said yesterday. She wanted to believe everything, that he still loved her that it wasn't about revenge. But it had taken her so long to get glued back together after he'd left and she didn't know if she could take it if he ended it again. Then again, maybe the night of the prom just proved that she had never really put herself back together.

* * *

George woke up and rolled, curling his arm over Callie and kissing her in the soft spot between her neck and her shoulder. He thought about Callie's declaration and he struggled to figure out exactly how he felt. After the fiasco with Meredith, George had doubted that he would ever fall in love, or that anyone would find him attractive again. But there was Callie, bold, beautiful, and amazingly in love with him. He didn't know why he was hesitating. Love was a big word, an even bigger emotion, he had thought he loved Meredith but it had just been a crush. It had felt real though and the crash when his illusion failed him was devastating and he wasn't sure he could trust himself with that feeling again.

Callie woke up and turned towards him.

"Hey" she said quietly.

"Hey."

"Look George, I'm sorry about the other night."

"You don't need to apologize, you said what you felt. I appreciate it."

"But you don't know if you feel the same way.'

"Callie, I just- the last time I told someone I loved them I thought I meant it and I ended getting hurt and hurting her as well. I don't want to do that again. But I do know that you mean the world to me. You're beautiful and you're brilliant. I just don't want to say those words yet, they carry so much with them."

"I understand. But, George?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you ever be able to say them?"

"Absolutely." He kissed her deeply. Yes, he would definitely be able to say it, and definitely to her.

* * *

Meredith stood at the nurse's station filling out post-ops for Bailey. Her outburst in the locker room the day before had made it around the hospital and as a result most people seemed to be going out of their way to either not gossip about her- or at least not do it when she might be near by. Suddenly she felt a tap on her shoulder, turning around she found herself face-to-face with Finn.

"Finn!" She was surprised. She hadn't heard from him since the prom and hadn't felt up to calling him.

"Hey, Meredith."

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to stop by and see you, make sure you were alright."

"I- I'm fine." She was lying of course, but she didn't feel like getting into that discussion with him. She just hoped by putting a smile on her face she wouldn't give away the things that were occupying her mind.

"You're a really bad liar. But that's alright. It's part of being scary and damaged." He raised his hand tucked a wisp of her hair behind her ear.

"Finn. I'm really sorry. I really like you." She could see the muscles in his face tense as though he could tell what was coming.

"But, you're in love with him, aren't you. I knew it the other night, the way he looked at you when you walked into the room, it was the same way I looked at you."

"I never meant to hurt you Finn."

"I know. I just hope he treats you right."

"I don't know if I can even go back to him. I just know that right now I'm not any good to you. I'd just end up hurting you more." Finn leaned down and kissed her lightly on the cheek.

"Take care of yourself Meredith."

"Thanks, Finn." But just as he went to leave Meredith's pager went off. "Finn, I have to go."

"It's ok."

Dashing down the stairs she saw the gurney lifted from the ambulance and on it, her mother. Her body was motionless and she was quiet. Meredith's knees buckled. Something was terribly wrong. The world seemed to move in slow motion. Christina rushed out and seeing the familiar figure, looked at Meredith. Suddenly the EMT spoke up almost with a voice that sounded far away.

"61 year old woman, Alztimer's suffered a major stroke, comatose." The rest of the vitals that were called out seemed to rush right through her.


	11. I Did My Best, It Wasn't Much

Chapter 11: I Did My Best, It Wasn't Much

Disclaimer: They ain't mine, they belong to Shonda. I just play with them.

Meredith stood motionless and watched as they rolled the gurney with her mother's body to ICU. Through the haze in her head she could hear Dr. Bailey speaking to her.

"Dr. Grey? Dr. Grey? Meredith?"

"Yes, Dr. Bailey?"

"I think you should head home."

"I'm fine Dr. Bailey."

"No your not, your distracted and whatever this is, I can't have you distracted. You're off for the day. Now you can stay here as a visitor, but you are not allowed near any patients, do you understand me?"

"But-"

"There's no 'but'. Now scoot." Dr. Bailey dashed after the gurney and Meredith was left standing there alone. She could feel her stomach begin to turn and she dashed up towards the locker rooms.

* * *

Meredith stood in front of one of the sinks in the locker room, rinsing her face, hoping that the cool water would calm her nerves. She heard the door open but didn't look up to see who it was until she heard a familiar voice.

"Meredith?" Derek's voice was soft and soothing. It had been three weeks since Derek had told her that Addison had moved out and they were going ahead with divorce proceedings. But it didn't make things any easier, all the pain of his leaving was still there. With the situation with her mother she didn't think she could handle having him near right now.

"What do you want?" She kept her focus on the sink, not looking over at him. She didn't want to see the concern in his eyes, as much as she need to.

"I wanted to talk to you about your mom. I'm handling her case."

"Great, that's just great." Meredith said with frustration.

"Meredith, please-"

"Well, if you're her doctor, go ahead- give me her prognosis!"

"She's had a major stroke; there's already been significant damage to her brain from the Alzheimer's. I won't know how much damage there has been though until I get the results of the MRI back."

Meredith collapsed onto the near by bench. She was angry, frustrated, and scared. As she sat there the tears she had been fighting began to fall, and she felt Derek sit down next to her and take her in his arms, slowly rocking her and whispering in her ear that everything would be alright. She allowed herself to cry and feel the comfort of his warmth envelope her. They stayed like that for several minutes until she regained her composure. Wiping her eyes she took several deep breaths.

"Will you be alright?" Derek looked her in the eyes as though he was trying to divine the answer from there.

"I'll be fine, thank you." Remembering her resolution she got up from the bench, grabbed her things from her locker and left to go home.

Derek sat in the locker room after Meredith left. He knew she needed him, but that she was so locked into damage control right now that he didn't know how to reach her. Finally, Derek knew what he had to do. He walked down to the nurses station, grabbed a phone book, and finding what he needed walked out to his car.

* * *

Driving up to the neatly manicured house, Derek double checked the address he had written down. He got out of his car and walked up the path trying to decide exactly what it was he was going to say once he got there.

Upon, reaching the door he nearly changed his mind but he thought of Meredith and how much she needed this and knocked on the door. After a few seconds, it opened to reveal a man in his early sixties, completely gray, and a bit overweight.

"Excuse me, are you Thatcher Grey?"

"Yes, I'm him. How can I help you?"

**A/N: Chaty1 pointed out to me that in the last chapter I confused the smell of Meredith's conditioner, putting lilac instead of lavender. Mea Culpa. I'm really looking forward to writing the next chapter, I've always wanted to write a scene between Derek and Thatcher. I hope Shonda will write on for the show.**


	12. I Couldn't Feel, So I Tried to Touch

Chapter 12: I Couldn't Feel, So I Tried to Touch

Disclaimer: They ain't mine, they belong to Shonda. I just play with them.

Addison sat on the bed in her hotel room looking through the rental section of the classified ads. She had two years on her contract here and she couldn't spend them living in a hotel. There were a few places that seemed interesting near enough to the hospital to be worth the rent. She sat in her pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, circling the interesting ads when her cellphone rang. Not thinking to check the caller id, she picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Addison, how are you?" It was Mark.

"What do you want Mark." Her voice was flat; she was tired emotionally and physically. The past few weeks since the prom had seen her marriage end and several high pressure cases that required her constant attention. She didn't have the energy to deal with Mark.

"I thought you and I could have a drink. You know, for old times sake."

"Mark, I'm tired. I had a 10 hour surgery today, I really don't feel up to a drink."

"Well it's a shame I came all the way over here and bribed the desk clerk to find out which room you were in then."

"What!" Addison got up from her bed and walked over to the door. Opening it up, she saw Mark standing there with a bouquet of red roses and a box of chocolates.

"Surprised?"

* * *

_Driving up to the neatly manicured house, Derek double checked the address he had written down. He got out of his car and walked up the path trying to decide exactly what it was he was going to say once he got there._

_Upon, reaching the door he nearly changed his mind but he thought of Meredith and how much she needed this and knocked on the door. After a few seconds, it opened to reveal a man in his early sixties, completely gray, and a bit overweight._

"_Excuse me, are you Thatcher Grey?"_

"_Yes, I'm him. How can I help you?"_

Derek looked at the man standing before him for a moment before answering. He didn't see anything of Meredith in him, except possibly the hair color and the eyes.

"My name is Derek Shepherd. I'm a friend of Meredith's from the hospital."

Thatcher was startled. The only reason a friend of Meredith's would seek him out was if she was hurt or in trouble.

"She's not hurt is she? Is she alright?"

"Meredith is fine. I'm here because her mother- Ellis, had a major stroke."

"Will she be alright?"

"Most likely no. She's been suffering from early onset Alzheimer's and the damage to her brain is too extensive. She's boarder-line brain dead. There isn't a whole lot that can be done."

"I see."

Thatcher shifted his feet and looked down at the ground. After all these years, the pain was still there. He could still remember Ellis telling him, without a trace of emotion, that she had been having an affair with another doctor and that she was leaving him. He had his suspicions for a while, the faint smell of cologne on her scrubs that wasn't his, late night surgeries, but to hear her say it so casually nearly killed him. He also remembered driving off for the last time watching through his rear-view mirror as tearfull five-year old ran after the car begging for him to come home.

"I don't know what Meredith has told you, but Ellis and I- I just- I don't- I don't know how you expect me to help any."

"Your Meredith's only family. I think it would help her if she had you to lean on."

"Meredith doesn't need me."

"I think she does." Derek took a deep breath before he continued. "She's been let down a lot by the people who were supposed to care for her." Derek felt a lump rise in his throat as he mentally included himself in that list. "I just think that this time, maybe she shouldn't have to be alone."

"I just don't know. I barely know her, how am I supposed to talk to her? How am I supposed to help her if I don't even know how to talk to her?"

"She just needs you to be there."

Thatcher looked down at the ground and then looked back up at the man in front of him, he saw the pain in his eyes and could tell that Meredith was more than just a friend to him.

"How did you let her down?"

"I wasn't there."

Thatcher nodded. The two men stood in silence for a moment each contemplating each other and their relative betrayls.

"I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you." Thatcher walked back into the house and Derek headed back to his car. Derek didn't know if what he said would help, or even if Meredith would want to see her father. He only knew that he needed to try something to help her, to find someone to reach her even if he couldn't

* * *

The hospital was quiet. There were only a few patients and even fewer surgeries. So Richard took the opportunity to slip down to the ICU.

Carefully checking that no one spotted him, he ducked into her room. Despite his many years as a surgeon, Richard Webber, Chief of Surgery, one of the best doctors in the country, was unprepared to see the woman he had fallen in love with so many years ago lying comatose in a hospital bed. The clinician in him tried to separate himself from his emotions, to see a patient and not Ellis Grey, but he couldn't help it.

Sagging into the chair beside the bed he brushed some strands of hair away from her eyes, she had always hated when it got in the way. He took her limp hand in his and caressed it. He could have saved her so much pain, so much hurt if only he'd had the courage. In so many ways she had been stronger than him. Ellis Grey always knew what she wanted and damn it to hell if she wasn't going to get it. He chuckled sadly as he remembered teasing her about the look she would get when she was concentrating during surgery. Her eyebrows would knit together and she seemed to focus her entire being on the patient in front of her. He couldn't reconcile that intoxicating woman with the fragile figure in front of him. He still loved her though. He always had and that never changed even after they ended it.

Wiping a tear from his eye, he got up from the chair and left the room, unwilling to commune any longer with the ghosts of the past.


End file.
